Troubled Waters

A few weeks ago, one of my good friends suggested that I write a post centered around "Trusting in God even when times are hard." 

I hadn't given the post much thought at all till yesterday during my bible time I randomly came across 2 Corinthians 12:9 (emphasis are my own) 

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 

Therefore, I will boast ALL the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.

For when I am weak, THEN I am strong."

Whenever you read "troubled waters" a certain time of your life probably came to mind. We've all experienced different levels of darkness, hardship, and hurt.

No matter what level you've endured, or maybe you're even going through something right now, we all know what it's like to feel hurt. 

As easy as it is to read 2 Corinthians 12:9 and think "Oh, I want to be like that when I go through hard times like Paul did!"

It is a very different thing to live it out.

I can't think of one difficult thing I've been through that I started out with the mindset of "This is making me stronger?! Awesome!!" 

No, they usually start out with loads of complaining, tears, confusion and anger.

Another verse, resembling 2 Corinthians 12, is James 1:1 where James writes: 

"Consider it pure JOY, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."

Joy....Crazy, right? I've often read this verse in the "troubled waters" times of my life. 

I've thought many times how nearly impossible it is for me to feel "joy" in those times. 

Because when I think of the word "joy" I coincide it with happiness, laughter, smiling, etc.

But no, it wasn't the verse that was messed up. It was my definition of joy. 

Yes, I'm aware of how the dictionary defines joy. 

But I'm not talking in terms of dictionaries here. I'm talking in terms of my heart. I don't think of joy as just an emotion anymore. It's a lot more than that. As I wrote about in my very first post: joy is a choice.

I think that joy is the ability to endure all the pain knowing it is making me stronger. Trusting in God, not my own understanding. (See Proverbs 3:8) 

My eyes may be filled with tears and my heart screaming out with fear and confusion.

I may have not smiled in a month. But I will still.have.joy. 

It's okay to be hurt, confused, and angry. The world does that to us. 

But even when life is hard, and it hurts, and I don't understand why things are happening the way they are, I still have joy. I still have hope. A reason to keep pressing on. 

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed to us." (Romans 8:18)

Is that verse alone not motivation enough to keep pressing on through your troubled waters? It is for me.

To quote the very popular Hillsong lyrics from Oceans:

"...In oceans deep
my faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and you won't start now.

...Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders. 
And my fail will be made stronger in the presence of my savior."

Now, look over those lyrics again and really think about them this time. No matter how many hundreds of times I play that song the lyrics never fail to touch my heart.

He has never failed and he won't.start.now.

Sometimes the storms are just going to knock me flat on my face. Coming out of each storm, I will never be the person that I was coming in.

I can let the storms of my life change me in two very different ways. 

I can let Satan use it to break me down and drown me. 

Or I can let God use it to make me stronger.
To draw me closer to Him. 

Above the troubled waters. 

Safe.

Carlie

Before I go on posting about my life and all my thoughts, I guess you better know a little more about me.

Maybe you already know me, and maybe you don't. But either way, here's some details that help make up who I am. 

I have typed and back spaced this paragraph at least 15 times. Describing myself is not an easy task. 

A lot of who I am, comes from what I'm not. So I'll start with that.

I am not normal 

I am not the prettiest 

I am not the smartest 

I am not the most popular

I am not the most talented 

I am not perfect

But by the grace of God, I am what I am. (1 Corinthians 15:10)

So, what am I exactly? Well, that's a tough one to answer but I'll try my best. 

I am forgiven. 

I am a forgiven sinner. I still make mistakes (all the time, I might add).

But I do my very best to focus on Him and His calling for my life. To use who He's made me to bring Him glory.

I am made new. 

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here."

I am no longer apart of this world. I am living in the world, but I am no longer apart of it.

Which is why I no longer live for the things I wrote above, but for Him. A greater purpose. He is my only reason to live, so what's my life if it's not for Him? 

I am awkward.

Oh, and I'm homeschooled. (Who woulda' thought right?) ;)

But no, I'm not an awkward homeschooler who never leaves my house and only has my brothers and sister as friends. 

I am very social and I absolutely love meeting new people. 

My all time favorite thing to do is make people laugh. Which is where the awkwardness comes in handy. 

I love being crazy and doing ridiculous things to make the people around me laugh.

Sometimes it's planned and sometimes the whole ridiculous thing just sorta comes naturally. (Thank goodness I don't get embarrassed easily..)

I am confusing.

16 years and I still don't understand myself. 

Usually I'm pretty outspoken. If you want to know what I'm thinking, I'll tell ya. (Even if you don't want to know, I'll still tell you) 

But when it comes to my feelings, my deep down thoughts, and the tiny little things that nag at me while I'm trying to fall asleep at night; it's nearly impossible for me to express them. Very few people have truly heard what the inside of my mind is like. I'm slowly learning to be more open. My feelings, my pain, my deepest thoughts, down to the tiny little things that nag at me. They are all apart of who I am, and in order for people to truly know me, I need to share those things too.  

I am different. 

I don't really have much of an explanation for this one. I'm just... different. 

Not by any means better than anyone else. No, not even close. But I take pride in knowing I am different. In my actions, my words, my life. 

 Also, a lot of who I am is what I do. 

As I've mentioned before, I LOVE writing. I've kept a daily journal consistently for quite a few years now. At the end of the day (or anytime really) I love sitting down snuggling up with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders, with my bible and my journal. 

Although I love sitting down writing, I can't sit still for very long. I also love being active. 

I've done gymnastics, soccer, basketball, and soon to be basketball again over the years. I haven't really dedicated myself to one sport in particular. But when I have played, I highly enjoy it. 

I mentioned above that I love making people laugh. Which is one of the main reasons I love acting. I haven't been able to do as much as I'd like to. (Time consuming) But I've had the opportunity to do quite a bit here and there.

Aside from acting on stage, I really just enjoy acting to my friends. 

I have countless memories of staying up till the early hours of the morning with friends while they sit on my bed and I act out ridiculous musical songs and impersonations. (and when I say ridiculous, I mean ridiculous)

Really wherever I am entertaining the people around me just makes me happy

I haven't ever taken photography classes or owned a more than $100 camera. (Other than my iPhone, if that even counts?) 

But photography has also been something I've enjoyed ever since I knew how to take a picture. Below is one of my most favorite pictures I've taken. Not the best, but still my favorite. Dandelions are my favorite. (: 

Even though I prefer to be out with lots of people doing fun and exciting things, I also treasure the moments of just peacefully sitting back with my family and/or friends. Talking and laughing together and simply enjoying one another's company. 

In the end, I'm just Carlie.

I am simply me. 

An awkward, different, crazy, loud mess of a girl. 

Sometimes I'm too loud and too obnoxious. 

Sometimes I talk too much or get worked up over something stupid.

I make mistakes and I learn from them. I'm just figuring myself out through Him in this broken world we live in. 

Everything I am is who He made me to be and I will try to use every bit as I can for His glory as long as I live. 

Lunar Eclipse

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands.

Day after day they pour fourth speech; night after night they reveal knowledge. 

They have no speech, they use no words; 

no sound is heard from them. Yet their voice goes out into all the earth." (Psalm 19)

In my last post I mentioned how the sky has always been something that fascinated me. So you shouldn't be surprised to hear that I got minimal hours of sleep last night because of the Lunar Eclipse. 

(If you know me, you know it just had to have been important to me in order for me to lose sleep just to see it.) 

I have yet to find anywhere where I feel as close to my Lord as I do when I'm outside under His beautiful sky. Especially night time. 

It's one of the few places I can pour out my heart to my Lord. To feel His presence so close to me and I just know He's looking down listening. 

"The LORD merely spoke, and the heavens were created. He breathed the word, and all the stars were born" (Psalm 33:6)

My God is SO powerful, that all He had do was merely speak and all the things that we humans spend so much time and money attempting to understand even the smallest part of, was created. Just like that.

Is that humbling or WHAT?

No matter what it looks like outside, I'm content staring up at the sky lost in my own thoughts and captivated by the beauty. 

Yes, even very early in the morning when every normal person is sound asleep. 

So early this morning, way before my normal day would usually start, was the October 8'th 2014 Lunar Eclipse.

Although I was already very tired I was still determined to see it. I missed the Eclipse in April and there was no way I was going to miss this one. 

So I set my alarm for 3AM.

When it went off I wrapped my blanket around my shoulders, grabbed my pillow pet, and crept quietly out of my room, through the house and out to my backyard. An old plastic chair was already on my porch waiting for me. I moved it into my yard where I could see the moon perfectly.

 It was full, bright, and beautiful.

 I would have been content if that was how it looked all night but instead it only got better. 

I snuggled up on the chair pulling my blanket tightly around me and leaning my head back on the chair. Ah! It was beautiful. 

It was so very bright. Breathtaking. 

The halo above the moon was rainbow colored which only added to the beauty. I'm not sure how long I sat there staring at it, but close to 4:30AM the rainbow halo disappeared and the brightness slowly started to dim. Till eventually almost the whole moon was grey. Leaving only a small crescent shape still shining.

The grey didn't linger very long before it started changing to a faded orange color. Then about 20 minutes after 5 the orange started shifting to a darker red color. The Blood Moon.

I stayed out watching the red slowly take over. Hardly able to keep my eyes off of it for only a minute. 

I attempted capturing the moment by picture, but we all know pictures never do justice. Some things you just have to see with your own eyes. 

Before I knew it, I checked my phone and it was 6AM. 

My dad was up getting ready for work and I knew I had probably spent more time outside than I should have. I knew I'd be exhausted all day but I didn't regret a single moment of it. 

Moments like that are what make me truly happy to be alive. The moments that make me realize how tiny I am. Moments that force me to realize how truly AMAZING my God is. 

If you missed this Eclipse, catch the next. It is totally worth missing sleep for. 

The moon. I am overwhelmed at the beautiful sight of only a small portion of His creation. 

I simply can't wait for the day to stand before His throne. Shining brighter and a thousand times more radiant than any moon or anything my human mind could ever imagine. 

Although I sometimes wonder and try my best to imagine what that day will look like. I know it's all part of the beautiful mystery. 

I like to think of His creation as little hints. 

All of the overwhelming sights of the earth can't even begin to compare. 

It will be a place so beautiful that a thousand of earth's moons still don't come close. 

Home.